Gone Away
by myriassterre
Summary: AU; Buff's husband has died and left her to raise their daughters, will she be able to move on with her life, or will her grief destroy her and the lifes of those around her? BA. ABANDONED.
1. Prologue

Gone Away

By Maddy

**Summary:** AU; Buffy is successful, happy and loved...then her husband dies leaving her to bring up their two daughters. Will she be able to move on with her life, or will her grief destroy her and those around her?

**Rating:** PG13 through to R for some language later on, and for major angst.

**Spoilers:** None, it's completely AU.

**Timeline: **Los Angeles, January 2004, then continues on from there.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own the characters themselves (unless you can tell that they're not from B/A verse, then they are mine. Eg, their kids are mine.), but I do own the plot.

**Feedback:** Love it, it'll make me update quicker too...

**Author's Notes:** This is the first AU I've ever written, so if I get confused and something doesn't match what's already happened, please tell me so I can fix it. Also, each part will be pretty small, but there will be a lot of them.

This fic is very different to what I have written in the past, not just because it's AU, but because every single character is a main character, there will be several parts from each, but Buffy will be the MAIN character. As this is about her, and her husband being dead.

I'm sorry to anyone who doesn't like death or angst, if you're a person who doesn't that stuff, you should really leave, because there is going to be A LOT of it.

I got the idea for this from the audio-commentary of 'The Body' DVD, it was something Joss said, that when he had lost someone, he noticed the way other people dealed with it, and this is why it's written the way it is.

**Prologue**

_Willow Osbourne: _"Buffy, hi. What's up?

_Buffy O'Connor: _"Will, I-I can't..."

_Willow: _"Buffy."

_Buffy:_ "I'm at t-the hospit-tal."

_Willow:_ "Why, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

_Buffy:_ "N-no."

_Willow:_ "Are you hurt?"

_Buffy:_ "No."

_Willow:_ "But you're not okay?"

_Buffy:_ "No. it's A-An-gel."

_Willow:_ "Is he okay?"

_Buffy:_ "Th-they do-don't think he's go-onna make i-it."

_Willow:_ "Oh, god..."

_Buffy:_ "Willow..."

_Willow:_ "I'm on my way, what hospital are you at?"

_Buffy:_ "Mem-memorial."

_Willow:_ "Okay, I'll call the others once I get there. I'll be five minutes."

_Buffy:_ "Hurry."

(page break)

"Buffy!"

"Will, I-"

"Shh..." the redhead pulled her best and dearest friend into her arms, the petite blonde held on for dear life. Willow felt her eyes on the verge of tears, _don't you cry, Willow, don't you dare cry. You have to be strong for Buffy._

"I-I d-don't know what t-to do."

"It's okay, Buffy. I'll do it."

"Wh-what?"

She chuckled just a second before realising that it was probably one of the most inappropriate things she could do right now. "I don't know, but whatever it is, I'll do it."

"Okay."

Willow pulled out of her best friend's embrace. "Come on, what has the doctors said?"

"I'm not sure, I haven't been paying that much attention." She admitted, "all I keep seeing is-" but she never finished.

"Buffy, where are the girls?"

"At school, they don't know yet. What will I say?"

"I don't know either. But you have to tell them-"

"No."

"Buffy..."

"No, I can't. How can you tell someone that? How can I tell my daughters that their father is going to die?"

Willow had nothing to say, she just took Buffy back into her arms, and tried desperately not to cry. Though, Buffy did cry, she screamed and yelled at nothing. And Willow felt her own tears run from her eyes and down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but..." came an unknown male voice. A doctor was standing behind Buffy a few feet away. He looked about 60 and was dressed in the usual white long buttoned-up lab coat. "Mrs O'Connor. Mr O'Connor has gained consciousness, he has asked for you."

"Oh," came her reply, so soft that Willow barely heard it.

"You should go."

Willow thought she had felt a slight shake of her head, but then just a quickly Buffy had pulled herself away from the redhead and was walking up the corridor towards a room which Willow assumed held Angel.

She might love him more than anything, but she still doesn't want to see him like this. And the mere thought of Oz being in the same-

But Willow couldn't finish the thought, _wouldn't_ finish the thought, partly because she was now on the floor crying, but also because she couldn't bring herself to think of Oz being in that room instead of Angel.


	2. Part One

**Part One**

"Hi." He greeted softly as she opened the door and stood in the doorway. The sight of him lying on the bed made her fell sick, but she didn't let on.

"Hey." Buffy took a few tentative steps toward her husband. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't think that matters anymore." He replied, _don't say that. Don't say that. Don't!_

But in true Buffy fashion, she avoided.

"What did the doctor tell you?"

"Everything."

She hadn't expected that, and quickly felt the swell of tears. She tried to do something, say something, but all she could do was nod. "Please don't," she finally got out, as the tears fell down her face.

"Don't what?"

"Don't leave me." She cried running at the bed and flinging herself into his arms.

"I'll never leave you." He said, trying to sooth her. It didn't help, nothing could help. Not now, not ever. "You might not be able to see me, but I'll always be there." He gave her a kiss on the head. "Standing right next to you."

"You know I don't believe in that stuff."

"I know, but I think you will."

"I can't do this."

"I don't want to leave you. I am so sorry."

_No, no._ She lifted her head off his chest, _the chest where his heart is beating._ "No, it's not your fault." She told him, looking into his eyes. _I can always drown in there eyes..._

"Then who will you blame when I'm gone?"

"That asshole driver."

"He's dead, Buffy."

_I know. _"I don't care. It's still his fault."

Angel just looked at her for a second, and she'd never seen him look so sad. Buffy looked away. "Tell Bryony and Phedra that I'll always love them."

"You can tell them yourself. Willow's gone to get them."

"You should have."

"That's what Willow said." Buffy finally looked back into her love's eyes.

"I loved them before there was much to love."

_Me too. _"I know."

"But I'm going to miss you most of all."

_No, don't say that. I can't be strong if you say that. _"Angel, please. I can't do this. I'm not going to say goodbye."

"You have to-"

"No. 'Cause you're not going anywhere."

"I thought you didn't believe in that stuff." He said with a small smile playing on his lips.

"No, I meant-"

"I know what you meant."

_You always do._

(page break)

"Hey, Phe. Come 'ere."

"What?"

"No, you gotta see."

Phedra Keely O'Connor sighed and walked over to where her best friend was. Lissabelle Faith Harris was at the highest part of the jungle gym, looking at the car park outside of the elementary school.

"What is it?"

"Willow."

"As in Aunty Willow?"

"Yeah."

Phedra frowned at this, _that's weird, Willow doesn't have any kids at school. They're all too young. _"What she doing?"

"Talking to Mrs Henders. It doesn't look good."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not gonna keep answering your questions. Why don't you come up here?"

"You know I don't like highs."

"So, don't be a chicken."

She glared at her braver-than-her best friend, "just tell me what's going on."

"Can't see 'em anymore. I think they went inside."

"Oh." She watched as Lissabelle swung herself down to the ground, as much as Phedra wished she could be brave like her, she wasn't stupid enough to risk her life doing that.

"Let's play-"

"Phedra!" called Mrs Henders, the school principal. She was walking rather quickly toward the 7 year old and her 6 year old best friend. "Phedra, sweetie, you've got to go."

"What?"

"Mrs Osbourne is here to take-"

"Why?"

She didn't answer, and Phedra took that as a bad sign. _Something's wrong._ Just then Willow came down the outside stairs and began walking toward them. Phedra's older sister was following her.

"Phedra, honey, we gotta go."

"What's going on? Bryony?"

Her sister shrugged, but had her arms wrapped around her waist. _Something's wrong._

"Phedra..." Willow reached forward to get a hold of the girl's hand. She immediately took a step back.

"Why are you here? Where's mom and dad?"

Something flashed in the redhead's eyes, "that's why I'm here. Your mom asked me to come get you-"

"But school doesn't end for ages, it's only lunchtime." Phedra took another step away from her 'aunty.'

"PK, we should go." Said her sister, using her nickname. _I need a new one._ "Come on, don't be a pain in the-"

"Okay," interrupted Willow, her eyes wide. "Let's go-"

"Wait, what about me?" asked Lissabelle.

"Your mom or dad will come and get you later, when school finishes. Like always, Lissa."

"Oh, okay." Lissabelle was a lot like her mother, Aunty Cordy. She didn't want to be left behind or left out.

"Let's go." Said Willow again, this time succeeding in getting the two girls into the car outside and as they drove away. No one said a word.


	3. Part Two

**Part Two**

"Willow..."

"Xand."

He reached for his dearest, oldest and bestest friend in all the world. The redhead buried herself in his shirt. He could already feel her tears soak through the material. He didn't mind, _who would at a time like this? Who could?_

"Are you alright?"

"I'm not sure." He answered truthfully, he wasn't sure of anything right now.

"Are Bryony and Phedra with Buffy and An-Angel?" asked Cordelia Harris.

"Yeah," said Will pulling herself out of Xander's arms. "I picked them up at school, right away they knew something was wrong. I don't understand how..."

"Kids are smarter than they seem-" started Xander Harris, but he was cut off by Willow.

"But, they're only 10 and 7, how can they handle this? How can Buffy handle this? Her and Angel have been together since the eighth grade, they got married at 18, I don't know how she can be handling this."

"I don't think she really is." Said Cordelia. "At least not on the higher levels. To her, she just has to do it, and think about it later."

"Is that a good thing?" asked Willow.

"Everyone grieves differently. You told me that once." Added Xander.

"Yeah, but now it's Buffy. She's our friend and so is Angel. I don't know what to do." She finally said what had been plaguing her. She was Willow Osbourne, she always had a plan, knew what she was doing, what she was going to become. Everything, all that she had done in the past, her school, college, getting married to Oz, it had all been planned and thought through. But now...Xander didn't know what she was gonna do, and for some reason, that scared him.

"Hey, it's okay." Said Xander trying to comfort her. "Nobody knows what they have to do. We all went to school with Angel and Buffy too, we watched them fall in love, and now we have to watch Buffy live without him, I have no idea what I'm going to do, what I'm gonna say."

"Have you called Dawn and Cate?" asked Cordelia suddenly.

"Oh, god. No, I forgot." Said Willow, sinking into one of those real uncomfortable plastic chairs. "They need to know, I gotta-" she attempted to get up, but Cordelia pushed her back into the seat.

"Stay here while I go make a few calls. Hey, that's a good idea, I think I might just do that." Cordy promptly turned and walked down the corridor to where the row of payphones where. _God, I love that woman._

Xander then felt the sting of pain of losing her, _don't think about it, it's hurts too much to think about your friend being – don't think about it._

"Xander, I'm scared."

"Yeah."

"What are we going to do?"

"Just be here for Buffy, for the girls...that's all we can do."

"Is it enough?"

He didn't answer, he didn't have one.

(page break)

"When's daddy gonna wake up?" asked Phedra, as she sat in her mother's lap.

"I don't know, sweetie. The drugs have kinda made him loopy and tired. He needs his sleep."

"Okay, what drugs?"

"I don't know. Stuff to make him better."

"Okay." And the 7 year old went back to playing with the blanket the covered her father's still form. Bryony didn't say anything, but hadn't said anything for a while.

Once they had arrived at the hospital, her mother had rushed at them and pulled them into a very tight hug. She was crying, and Aunty Willow had tears in her eyes. Bryony, was the first to ask what was wrong. Then Phedra asked about ever two seconds after that until their mother took them by the hand and walked them into a room, and there lay their father on the bed, with tubes sticking out of his body, cuts on his face-

"Are you guys hungry?"

"Nah. Don't feel like eating."

Her mother looked at the ten year old as though it was the first time she had ever seen her. _What's wrong with her? Dad's gonna be okay. Everything will be okay._

"You're so grown up." she whispered.

"What about me, am I grown up too?" asked Phedra, being annoying as usual.

"Yeah, you are. You're gonna be the best grown up ever."

"A lot better then Bry."

"Hey." Exclaimed Bryony. Phedra stuck out her tongue. But since Buffy couldn't see and didn't tell off Phedra, Bryony decided to take things into her own hands. "Mom! She stuck her tongue out at me!"

"Bryony, be quiet." Shushed Buffy, "you're father is asleep-"

"No." said Phedra suddenly.

"What?"

"Dad's awake." She replied pointing at the bed.

"Oh, god..." Buffy practically pushed Phedra off her and was at the bedside in an instant. "Angel, honey..." she softly prodded.

"Buffy..."

"You're awake. How do you feel?"

"Can't really tell."

"Oh, okay. Is there pain? You want me to get the doctor?"

"No, Buffy. Just stay here, I don't want you to go."

"Okay," she took his hand in hers. "The girls are here, you fell asleep before they got here."

"Really, how long I have been out?"

"About an hour, everyone's here now. They're out in the waiting room." She looked at the door, "do you want me to go get them?"

"Buffy, sit still. Stay."

She smiled at him and brushed her lips against his hand. Phedra went and stood by Bryony, she felt a rush of possessiveness towards her younger sister. Phedra lent against the side of the chair and they both watched their parents talk to each other, saying things that didn't really matter, just little things. She could tell that her mother was holding onto his hand tightly, and he holding hers the same.

"What's gonna happen?" whispered Phedra.

"I don't know." Bry answered.

"I don't know either."

Bryony looked up at her little sister, "I'll look after you."

"Who's gonna look after you?"

"Mom."

"What about mom?"

Bryony didn't have an answer, she just looked back at her parents. _Nobody looked after mom and dad, they looked after each other._


	4. Part Three

Part Three 

"Buffy!" Dawn leapt at her sister as she came out of the room and made her way to where their friends and family were sitting. "Oh, Buffy." She got pulled into a tight, bone-cracking hug by her younger sister.

"Dawnie..." _I can't loss him. _But that part she kept to herself. _They don't need a basket case on their hands, I've gotta be strong. _

"Where are-?"

"Phedra and Bry are with A-Angel. He just woke up, and he wanted to explain it to them. Maybe I should go back-"

"No, if he wants to do this, let him." Dawn told her. Buffy didn't need to say anything, but she knew what Dawn didn't say, but had thought it. _Let him, 'cause he won't be around for long._ The mere thought was making Buffy feel sick. She made her way past her sister and sat down in a chair. Dawn didn't follow, but walked over to her own husband how was standing a fair way up the hall next to the coffee machine.

"Hi, Buffy," said Cordelia, Buffy took a lingering look at the brunette. She'd been crying, _have they all cried?_

"Hi. Where's Xander?"

"At school picking all the kids up, he and Oz offered."

Buffy nodded, she didn't really have a response to that.

"I know that everyone asks all those stupid questions that you don't want to answer," said Cordelia. "But are you and the girls hungry?"

Buffy continued to look at the brunette. _She's come along way._ Buffy thought, _in middle school and high school she was the mega-bitch, but then she tried to hit on Angel back in sophomore and when Angel refused, Xander was there to be annoying and rub the rejection in Cordelia's and he and Cordy ended up that day in a closet. And ever since then, they've been inseparable and got married during college. She's become nice._

"I am a bit, and the girls haven't eaten in hours. But you know what the-"

"Food's crappy here, I know." She flashed Buffy a smile, "and that's why me, Willow and Dawn are going to get food from someplace else."

"That'd be good."

"Sure, I'm just gonna tell Will and Dawn that we're going." She turned to leave, but then stopped and slowly again faced the blonde. "Cate's here. she's in the bathroom right now, and Ryan's on his way. We rung them all and..." but she never finished.

"It's okay. They need to be here."

"Yeah, but are you ready to talk to her?"

"No. I'm not, but she is A-Angel's sister and she deserves to be here as much as I do. Same with Ryan, he and Cate may not be married yet, but he is a part of this family."

"Okay, I'll see you later."

Buffy nodded and Cordelia Harris walked away. Buffy didn't move from the horrible chair, she suddenly didn't have any energy left in her and that scared her most of all. _I have to be here for my daughters, they're so young and can't have a mother that can't look after them. I have to be strong and not get tired or sleepy, hungry or thirsty and I can't cry in front of them._

"Buffy." Came a new, but familiar voice. Buffy looked into the young woman's eyes, her eyes not like Angel's at all, but a striking grey colour, they normally looked alive, but now, they looked dead and haunting.

"Hi, Cate."

(page break)

"Yo, Oz?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think we should ring Buffy's parents?"

"And tell them what exactly?"

"I don't know, but they live really far away and they should know about Angel."

"You know Buffy doesn't talk to them."

"Yeah I know."

"And you know that they hate Angel."

"Yeah, but Buffy's gonna need more than just us."

"Not meaning to be selfish, but we've all been here for each other since middle school, for some of us it was prep school. Maybe we don't need them to be here for Buffy, we can look after her and the girls ourselves."

"I don't know, Oz. Buffy and Angel love each other more than the rest of us put together, I mean, come on, they had the big forbidden love: her parents hate him, his parents hate her parents, and everyone said they wouldn't last, it was young love that you got over, but never forgot."

"They never got over it."

"No, they didn't. Instead after high school they got married and Bryony was born a year later."

"And Phedra three years after that."

"what am I going to say to her? Sorry. But that seems stupid, 'cause of course I'm sorry, but it isn't gonna help."

"And you think that maybe Joyce and Rupert will?"

"Maybe. It doesn't matter that none of us beside Dawn has spoken to them in the past 11 years, or that they despise Angel and think that he's stolen their daughter's life, or that they live only a few hours away-"

"Is there a point?"

"Yes, they should know. Because she is their oldest child, and her husband is dying."

"I'm still having a hard time believing that this is really happening."

"I'm with you there."

"You've been handling this well, you guys know him better than me. I only got my self into this mess of a family seven years ago."

"Well, Cor's being real quiet, Willow's been crying, Dawn keeps asking how Buffy is, Seth is trying to be there for Dawn, Cate is losing it and Ryan is trying to deal with her, you aren't saying much as usual and Buffy..."

"I know what you mean."

"The point is, I think I have to be the grow-up in all this, I have to talk and listen and be the one who'll say the right thing. I suck at that, but Angel is one of my best friends and I'm gonna look after Buffy and the girls if it's the last thing I do."

"That'll make him happy."

"We should talk to him when we get back, you know, say our goodbyes."

"Yeah, I think we should."

Just then, they'd pulled up into the car park of the elementary school to pick up his daughter Lissabelle, then they would go to the prep school and pick up Nathan, Will and Oz's son and then Doyle, his own son. The other kids were with mostly neighbours, but Xander's other son, Jared who was only one, was with Cordelia's sister Faith.

"I'll go get her."

"Good, she's your daughter. I wasn't gonna do it."


	5. Part Four

Part Four 

"Hi, Buffy." Said Caitlin O'Connor looking sadly at her sister-in-law. Buffy has never looked so terrible, her eyes red and puffy, her hair looked as though she'd just been asleep, her clothes rumpled and her eyes…they were grey and not the striking green they usually were. _Oh, Buffy…_

"Hi." Buffy reached out her arms and Caitlin fell into them. "Are you okay?"

"No way in hell."

Buffy gave a short, forced laugh. "Yeah…I know how you feel."

"No, you don't."

"Cate-"

"You'd feel worse." Caitlin pushed back a sob, _you have to be strong for Buffy._

"That's not true, you love An-Angel just as much as I do."

"But not in the same way. He's your soulmate, Buffy." Cate pulled herself out of the petite blonde's embrace. "Where are the girls?"

"With him. He wanted to talk to them alone, I think he's-"

"Saying goodbye?"

Buffy nodded, not being able to speak. Cate sighed and looked away from the already grieving wife and mother. _What is she going to do once he's gone?_ _Will she be able to move on, or will she destroy herself?_

"Do you want something to eat?"

"Cordelia's gone to get food, she was going to take Willow with her, but she didn't want to in the end so Cordy went by herself. I think she wanted to anyway, wanted some time to be by herself, but she's been gone a while, maybe I should go see if she's alright. Where did she go? I'm not-"

"Buffy, stop babbling."

"An-Angel always used to tell me when I was babbling, he thought it was cute."

"He thinks it's cute. He _thinks_ it's cute." Said Cate. "He's not dead yet, so don't start acting as though he is."

"I don't…I-I can't…just leave me alone." And suddenly, Buffy ran from Cate and disappeared around the corner and out of sight.

Cate felt the tears fall from her eyes, she leant against the wall and slid down the wall till she hit the floor. _I'm sorry, Buffy, but I'm not going to let you destroy herself._ From her spot on the ground, with her knees pulled tight to her chest, her head resting on her knees, Caitlin didn't see her fiancé quietly walk up and kneel in front of her.

"Catie, honey…"

"Oh, Ryan." She sobbed lifting her head and looking into her love's blue eyes. "What am I going to do without him?"

"You'll live, you'll marry me and he'll be there watching from Heaven…and he'll tell everyone up there how beautiful you'll look."

"You don't know that, no one can know that. He'll be dead, and we won't be…" Caitlin wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve. "He's my older brother and he's always been there, picking on me, laughing with me, raising me, protecting me and I wanted him to give me away…but he won't even be there."

"I'm so sorry and I hate that I don't know him better."

"It's not your fault., you don't have to be sorry."

"It's what everyone says in these situations, right?"

"Yeah, but I think that's because they don't know what else to say."

"Maybe, but I am sorry. It'll get better, I promise."

"How can it?" I whisper. "How can it get better? My brother is going to die!" I yell. "He's lying in that room dying, and it's not going to be okay! It'll never be okay, he's always been there to help me, protect me and pick on me. But he's not going to be here anymore." She sobbed, Ryan once again took her into his arms. "He's not gonna be here, how can he not be here?"

"Oh, Catie. I love you, so much."

"I love you, too. But even you can't make this right."

"I know, but can you let me try?"

Against her better judgement, she smiles as she holds her fiancé close to her. _Maybe he can make it better, even if it'll only be a little bit. That's better than nothing._

"You can try, you can try."

page break

Dawn took the cup from the tray at the dispenser and held it in her hands, it burnt on contact, but still she didn't remove them. _It's better to feel pain then to be numb to everything else._ Angel had told her that once, when she was very little. He was trying to comfort her because her dog had died, Buffy had hated the little Maltese terrier because it liked her shoes, but Angel had understood that she needed to talk to someone.

She was 8 when he told her that. He and Buffy had only been going out for a few months, but already she could see that he loved her. She also remembered the first time Buffy had told her that she loved him, but with Dawn only being 10, she didn't understand what it meant to them two. _And they've loved each other ever since, they haven't been a part for longer than a week and moved in together straight after graduation, then got married a few months later. Sure they fought, but it didn't mean anything in the end, because they loved each other move than anything._

Dawn went and sat down next to her own husband, Seth, he was only a year older than her at 24 and it hurt her to know that even his presence couldn't help rid even a tiny bit of fear, pain and deep sadness that had taken a hold of her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I think so anyway."

He nodded in understanding, _but does he really understand?_ She found herself thinking, _he's never lost anyone before, his whole family is here in LA and are all still alive. My family has been divided since before I was in middle school, ever since Buffy and Angel got serious. Mom and Dad have never liked Angel, which I have always found weird 'cause Angel is the nicest guy I know. But their defence was that Buffy was throwing her life away to be with someone and to move in with someone and marry someone at such a young age. I'm the only one in the group who has spoken to them since two weeks before Buffy and Angel got married. Even at my own wedding, to which my parents were invited and did end up coming, no one spoke a word to them, but during the reception I did see Buffy crying and being comforted by Angel._

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Just be here for me, I just need you to be here."

"I love you, Dawn."

"I love you, too, Seth." _But even you can't make this right._

"Xander and Oz aren't back yet." Said Willow coming to stand in front of the couple. "I wish they'd get here, we don't know when Angel might-"

"Let's not think about that, okay. They'll get here and we can all say our goodbyes." Seth told her. Dawn couldn't get the feeling out of her head that he wouldn't be able to help her. _I love Seth, I really do. But what does that matter if he can't make me feel better?_

"Yeah, maybe your right. I'm freaking out because I just don't know what to do."

"None of us do, Willow." Said Dawn softly.

"I know that, it's just that…God I don't know anymore. Why did this happen?"

No one answered the now distressed redhead, Willow turned and ran crying towards the restrooms. For one instant Dawn considered going after her and trying to comfort her friend, but didn't move an inch. _It wouldn't help, nothing will now. Not even the people we love can help us now._ Dawn glanced at her husband and father of their child, _how come he can't make the pain go away, not even a little bit?_

TBC...Tell me what you think!


End file.
